Shit Recruitment Agents Say

This site is dedicated to the shit recruitment agents say.

These deceitful, ignorant reprobates will convince you that they add value for employers and employees alike. Wrong. They want their 20%, and they'll trample all over you to get it.

Get it off your chest! If you've been on the receiving end of the shit recruitment agents say email us at shitrecruitmentagentssay@gmail.com and we'll add it to the list! We're especially keen to hear from employers and hiring managers in the interest of fairness and balance.

To Employees and Contractors:

• Add me on LinkedIn so that you can receive updates on new opportunities from me.
  I need to know who you have in your network so I can harvest the contact information of potential hiring managers.
• Oh yes I know company *your current company*, I've placed people there before. You must be working under *drops the name of a manager*?
  You're going to correct me and give me the name of a new contact in your company, right?
• Tell me where you've already applied because it will look bad if I re-submit your CV there by accident.
  I want to know who's recruiting so I can send my own applicants to run against you for the post.
• To apply for this position you need to rearrange the sections of your CV into the order the manager expects to see them.
  Do my work for me. Put your details under the headings my CV washing machine prefers.
• I've tried ringing the director repeatedly but he's been busy for weeks and just impossible to get hold of.
  You ring the director who picks up the phone personally within three rings. They gave the job to somebody else weeks ago and they haven't heard from the recruiter since you interviewed.
• If I can't put you in in the next batch I'll have to put you in the batch after that.
  Neglecting to mention just how many people she's putting forward for this job that you would be such a good fit for.
• Why have you taken a six month contract? You said you weren't interested in a permanent position?
  
• Can you leave your client to start work with mine?
  No
  Absolutely, it would be wrong to ask that of you.
  
• What was your last salary?
  Whatever you say I'm going to use it against you. If you aim too high I'll tell you you aren't worth that much. If you aim too low I'll tell you my client can't justify that kind of a pay increase and you must be underqualified.
• I have no idea what this job spec means, but it sounds good doesn't it!
  
• I'll let you know whether you were successful.
  You'll never hear from me again if you didn't get the job, it's not worth my time to talk to you. I won't answer the phone if you ring me, either. You are a resource.
• We are the only recruitment agency on the preferred supplier list of *name of desirable, publicly floated company*. You can only get in for an interview through us because we have an ongoing relationship with them. If anyone else tells you they're on the preferred supplier list, they're lying to you.
  You receive calls from at least six different agencies that all make this identical claim on the same day when they discover that there are positions to fill in *desirable company*.
• The client says your CV is very impressive and wants you to take their online test.
  ...test taken...
  Your answers were not what they would have liked to have seen but they're very keen to invite you to interview. Will you accept two thirds of the advertised salary?
  
• If we see a CV where a candidate hasn't held their positions for at least three years, they're not serious about their careers.
• If we see a CV where a candidate hasn't moved on at least every two years, they're not serious about their careers.
• We don't want to see a CV more than two pages long, possibly three if you've been a managing director of a public company.
• We want to see as much information on your CV as possible, with a full breakdown of your responsibilities and contributions in every post you've held. It doesn't matter how many pages you need to use.
• You've worked in *industry sector* for five years now, so you have to stay there until you retire. Nobody outside of that sector will employ you now.
  No I don't care that you haven't even turned thirty yet. These are the only positions I'm trying to fill.
• I'm working for you! I'm working for Team *Yourname*!
  You never hear from them again...
• And if you worked remotely, how much less would you be prepared to accept as a daily rate?
  We'll pocket the difference.
• Do you promise you'll work for my client even if your other prospective client comes back with an offer?
  If you say no I won't arrange an interview.
• Where is your current client based?
  An hour and a half away.
  Oh so you're not prepared to travel?
• The most recent addition to your career history is *company name*, is that your own limited company?
  Yes
  Are you still working for them?
• This position is on offer at the market rate.
  I know it's highly likely your current employer forbids you to discuss your renumeration with fellow employees to establish the state of the market, so I've told you nothing of any use.

To Employers:

• All our candidates are people we trust and have an established relationship with.
  We got their CVs from Monster yesterday.